I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
