i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
