my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize