I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
