guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
