Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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