i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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