my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
