So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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