Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
