6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
