Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
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The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
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Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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