I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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