she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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