I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
