the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
