were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Mom said you looked used
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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