this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
