4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
