if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
