i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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