you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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