Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
