talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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