now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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