My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
