So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's never too late to be topless.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
