It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
