they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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