Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
