Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
