So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
