She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
