i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Randomize
