Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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