Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
