So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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