The best revenge is premature balding
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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