So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
