Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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