time to smoke my breakfast
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
