so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The feeling are messing with the penis
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
