he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
