i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
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I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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