If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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