apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
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Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
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He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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