I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
