remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
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i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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