The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
