Acid is not a monday night drug
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
