WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The Olympian is in my bed
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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