bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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