Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
