you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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